Listen, I have to tell you a story. (MC here) This is maybe my ultimate Keep Grief Weird story. Ready? In 2020 right around Christmastime, I was standing in my kitchen at the counter making sugar cookies. My laptop was across the room on the table and it was open because I was referencing a recipe but nothing was playing on it. All of a sudden, while I was standing across the room, my computer started playing Pie Jesu which just happens to be the song from my father’s funeral (Jake’s amazing friend Joelle sang it and I will never forget how beautiful it was). I didn’t even know that I had that in my iTunes library because let’s be honest, has anyone opened their iTunes library since 2015? I was so shocked I just stood there for a minute while it played, slack-jawed and goose-bumped.
Our lives are soundtracked, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our grief is too. We all have songs that remind us of cities we used to live in, loved ones we have lost, and relationships that have crumbled. And we all have stories about crying in public when a breakup song came on over the grocery store loudspeaker, or in the Macy’s dressing room. Music opens portals to the past faster than almost anything else. Like any other portal, this is a blessing and a curse.
Music memories are richer and stickier than our other memories. It’s tempting to just chalk this all up to magic, but it’s at least in part because of neurobiology! This is because listening to music engages so many different areas of our brain that the memories and neural connections are harder to break down. Studies have shown that music can help activate the parts of the brain that have become inaccessible because of Alzheimer’s and other kinds of dementia. There’s even a story in Oliver Sacks’ Musicophilia about a man whose memory only spans 7 seconds for everything but music.
Music is also a great entry point for active grieving. Making a playlist for whatever it is you are grieving (loved one, relationship, city, pet) helps you keep that person place or thing close as well as access the emotions that might otherwise get locked away. The even better news is that you can do this anytime. Whether it’s immediately following the loss or 39 years later, music will act as a little portal to your past.
I still have my Mom’s backup of her iTunes library from 2007.
I tell the story in the podcast of my disaster playlist, which I made at a time when far too many disasters were happening simultaneously (pandemic, fires in CA, personal disasters galore) and so I listened to this playlist with noise cancelling headphones and paced around my apartment. Try it out!
And here’s the Jeremy playlist. My first serious boyfriend had cystic fibrosis and I just wrote a chapter about him in the joy book (that doesn’t have a title yet but is coming out May 2025!). This is the playlist I made to conjure our teenage love story:
Tracy here! I am excited to go through your playlists, MC!
In this episode, I talked about what I listened to when I was on the way to the hospital when my Mom was dying. It ended up making the entire situation super cinematic thanks to The Hours soundtrack. Perhaps that’s why it felt like I was in slow-motion for a bit.
Bev’s Playlist AKA MOM SONGS!
This is an on-going playlist of songs that remind me of my Mom. It was the first thing I did when she when she died because I knew it was the easiest way to keep her close. When I meet these songs in my everyday life, it makes me feel like her spirit is close by.
My favorite part is that through the power of repetition, her songs are now part of the songs my son Cooper will associate with his own childhood. YAY.
Other things we referenced in this episode include:
Maya Rudolph Movie- Away We Go
Six Feet Under Ending- a tearjerker. The show still holds up…minus the flip phones and old technology. It will also help build your awareness about what happens when you’re no longer here.
John Mulaney’s “What’s New Pussycat” is my “Dock of the Bay.” This will make sense when you listen to the episode.
It’s a fun prank to play…if you can find yourself a jukebox these days.
(good luck!)
If you’re wondering where my love & dancing comes from…there’s NO DENYING IT’S FROM BEV!!! This was our last family trip in 2017.
(she was so fun)
SHARE YOUR SONGS/PLAYLISTS!!
We’d love to hear your playlists! Please send any playlists or songs to us via DM at @keepgriefweird or keepgriefweird@gmail.com to share with the broader Keep Grief Weird community!
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