Howdy Ho, Neighbor! Anyone else remember Home Improvement? I have a story for you about the meaning of meaning.
When you do a PhD, the very last thing you have to do is write a dissertation and then defend it. A dissertation is just a book-length paper where you make a unique argument and/or present research that is intended to contribute to your field in some way. At your defense, a panel of experts and professors who have read your dissertation ask you questions designed to pull your work apart like an Oreo. They decide, based on how well you answer, whether or not to grant you your doctorate. In any defense there is something that we lovingly termed “the fuck you question.” This is less a question and more a dagger sunk directly into the heart of your research. Are you strong enough to pull it out, stop the bleed, and carry on?
Usually the “fuck you question” comes at the end of your hours-long defense. Mine came at the very beginning, when my incredibly supportive dissertation advisor asked, “what is meaning?” and then after a long pause reminded me, “if you can’t define this, your project is untenable.” Regrettably, I have to tell you that I have no idea what I said. I blacked out and bumbled through and apparently was coherent enough to have been granted my degree. That was almost ten years ago, and that question has haunted me ever since. With the help of the existentialists, here’s what I would say if I was asked today:
Meaning is a thing we make. It is work of art that we place on top of life’s events to make them our own. To render them coherent, to get closure; to cope. It’s a dynamic work of art – we can go back and change it whenever we want. Add color, take it away, switch mediums entirely, turn it into a song. Meaning making is our greatest power as human beings, and it is also a crushing and relentless responsibility that we carry into all of our experiences. And, it’s a critical stage in the grieving process.
So much so that David Kessler actually added it to the original five stages or grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross had already established (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). His book on it is fantastic, and he just came out with a workbook! Probably because he knew we were going to record an episode about him. Hi, David!
So. How do you do that? Find meaning in your grief? Let’s start with the misconceptions.
Finding meaning is not about "finding a reason" for the loss — there is no reason for death or tragedy. You never have to find meaning in the death or the loss. The meaning to be found is in the LIFE. Theirs and yours.
Finding meaning is not about making grief disappear but about making room for joy and life alongside the grief. This is not a step that you can (or should) rush through. It’s something that comes with time. And will shift with time.
If this whole thing still feels weird and overwhelming, that’s ok. We have ideas. Here’s some questions to get you started.
Questions about the person you lost:
What did your loved one teach you about life, love, or yourself?
What qualities did they have that you admire or want to carry forward in your own life?
How did their presence shape the person you are today?
Are there ways you can honor their memory in your daily life or special occasions?
Questions about your grief journey:
How has this loss changed your perspective on life?
What strengths or insights have you discovered in yourself through the process of grieving?
Has this loss deepened your relationships with others or opened up new connections?
Are there any ways your grief has influenced your decisions or actions for the better?
Questions about your connection:
How can you continue your relationship with the person who has died in a meaningful way?
What gives you a sense of purpose or fulfillment now, and how does that connect to your grief?
What brings you comfort or peace as you navigate your loss, and how can you lean into that more?
Nostalgia Corner!
It wouldn’t be an episode of Keep Grief Weird without a conversation about nostalgia, would it? This week we talked American Girl Dolls and Dollhouses.
Check out this super rad dollhouse I had when I was a kid. (Listen to the episode for the story about how and why I smashed it in the driveway). Those lights all worked and you can’t see it but there was a blue convertible in the garage. It was straight up magic.
We also talked about American Dolls. Why, exactly, were we all so very obsessed with these? Who knows. Did you have one?
We’ve got one more episode this season, so stay tuned! We loved keeping grief weird with you. And we’d love to hear what this episode brought up for you!
Message us here or at keepgriefweird@gmail.com, and tag us on Instagram @keepgriefweird and use our hashtag- #keepgriefweird to share your weird griefy things!
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THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Episode 19 - Finding Meaning