Listen, grief is hard enough as it is without having to battle a bunch of myths about how it’s supposed to go and what you are supposed to be doing (or not doing). So that’s why we’re here today - to bust some grief myths. Some of them much worse than others.
But before we do that, we have to have a silly and completely random intro, as per usual. Most of the intro falls under the umbrella topic of “things that get a little weird in your 40’s.” So we talk compression socks, which you probably need. Oh, and here’s a pack of readers.
And we even talk the brain science behind why you always forget why you just left one room and walked into another room. Seriously, it’s a thing called “the doorway effect” and it’s fascinating.
Lemme nerd out for a sec because this might actually be helpful if this happens to you a lot and/or if you’re worried about it:
The doorway effect is just a term that describes the short-term memory loss that can occur when passing through a doorway or moving from one location to another. You get up from the couch for a very specific reason, walk into the kitchen and immediately forget the specific reason. Then you stand there for a couple minutes shaming yourself and wondering if you’re losing your mind. It’s not you! Just your brain. Basically, this effect is caused by the brain creating an "event boundary" in the mind when passing through a doorway, which separates episodes of activity and files them away.
Why on earth does this happen? Because the brain organizes information from different environments into separate networks - kitchen stuff and activities and memories go into a kitchen network, for example. This helps with overall capacity, but can also lead to loss when transitioning between spaces.
Two extra factors that can make it happen more often -
1) If you are trying to multitask. Our brains actually cannot and do not multitask well no matter how good you think you are at it. Over time, forced multi-tasking will simply destroy your ability to pay attention. When you’re overwhelmed, your working memory gets too taxed and you start to lose your short-term memory. So if you’re doing 50 things right before getting up to walk to the kitchen, and then you do 50 more on the way, no wonder you forgot what you were doing.
2) If your environment is cluttered. Too much visual stimulation can impact your working memory too and this can make it more likely that you’re going to forget why you went into a room.
Ok, brain nerd rant over, onto the myths. I won’t re-explain them all here because, well, that’s what we do in the episode. But, if you like a list, here they are:
Time heals all wounds
There's a time limit to grief
You must go through the five stages
Kids are resilient/kids don't grieve
The first/second year is the worst
It gets easier (it does, it’s just not linear. Remember grief waves?)
You can go back to being the same person once you've "healed"
Your friends and family will be your best support
Grief is easier when you know someone is dying
Therapy always helps
Grieving means you're constantly sad
At the end of the podcast, we talked about something called “third man syndrome,” which is a very well-documented phenomenon where people in life-threatening situations suddenly get help from a figure that appears out of nowhere. Usually impossibly - like in the middle of the sea - and then it’s revealed that the figure cannot have been there.
The most famous example of this was reported by explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton during his Antarctic expedition, where he - and three other people - felt a fourth presence alongside their group, who expertly guided them home. Once they got back to land, all three men reported that a fourth man had been there helping. He had simply shown up in the middle of their emergency (again, in the middle of the sea) and no one had questioned it.
Since then, numerous other adventurers, mountaineers, and survivors of things like 9/11 have recounted similar experiences. They often describe feeling as though an additional person was there, offering reassurance or directing them on how to escape danger. The figure might not be seen but is typically sensed or heard.
No one knows why this happens, but we think it’s cool. And weird. Like grief. Oh, and hey, maybe while we keep grief weird in our compression socks and readers, we can plan a bank heist together.
We loved keeping grief weird with you. And we’d love to hear what this episode brought up for you!
Message us here or at keepgriefweird@gmail.com, and tag us on Instagram @keepgriefweird and use our hashtag- #keepgriefweird to share your weird griefy things!
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THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Episode 18- Myths about Grief