Hi friends! MC here. If you know me, it will not surprise you to know that a couple of times a week I find myself saying out loud, “Can you imagine what the world would look like if we taught this in schools?!” I’m usually talking about basic nervous system regulation tools, or how to pick a therapist, or understand how to be an effective listener when someone is disclosing a trauma.
This episode is centered around the same question. Can you imagine what the world would look like if we taught grief types in schools? Well, we have to first address the skeptics and the critics who are right this very second wondering, why on earth it would be helpful or important to know how grief splits itself into types?? I’m so glad you asked, dear critical skeptic! Because the first step to healing from anything is accepting that it is. Accepting that it is requires that we are able to give an account of it, to say what it is. If we don’t know what to call it, we can’t validate it. We can’t talk about it or share it or express it or know that we are not alone in it.
I’ll give you an example. When my parents died, it became necessary very quickly to sell the house I grew up in. The house sold very quickly and to a completely lovely family who had grown up in town and always loved the house. We’d walk out of our nightmare, and they’d walk into their dream. Seemed perfect, right? The loss of that house, the dismantling of our lives up until that point was excruciating in a way that shocked me. And since I didn’t know that secondary loss or cumulative grief were terms, I didn’t know how to talk about what I was feeling. So I turned to the feeling with judgment - what was wrong with me? Why was I this sad about the house? Weren’t the people in my life who I had just lost more important? Shouldn’t my grief about losing them be bigger?
If I had known that losing your childhood home was an incredibly common, separate, and distinct type of grief, I could have named it. And if I could have named it, I could have also expressed it. Would expressing it have made it go away? Nope. Would it have made it easier? Absolutely.
Anyway, without further ado, here is a list of very commonly experienced types of grief that are recognized in the grief literature. It doesn’t encapsulate every kind of loss, but it’s a start.
Delayed Grief – grief that we don’t feel in the moment because it’s not safe or we’re in survival mode.
An example of delayed grief: After losing her mother to a sudden accident, Jane had to immediately take on the responsibility of caring for her younger siblings and managing household duties. In the months following the incident, Jane felt numb and focused solely on survival and practical needs. It wasn't until an entire year later when her siblings were more independent and she had some space to breathe that she began to experience intense waves of grief, realizing she had never allowed herself to mourn her mother's death when it happened.
Disenfranchised Grief – grief that we judge or minimize.
An example of disenfranchised grief: John had a deep emotional connection with his beloved dog, Max, who had been his companion for over a decade. When Max passed away, John felt an overwhelming sense of loss. However, when he tried to express this to his friends and family, they judged his grief, thinking it was inappropriate to grieve so deeply for an animal. This minimization of his own grief left John feeling isolated and unsupported.
Ambiguous Grief – grief that is hard to see, usually because of the circumstances around the loss.
An example of ambiguous grief: Sarah's husband, Tom, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. As Tom's condition deteriorated, he became a different person, no longer recognizing Sarah or their shared memories. Sarah experienced grief for the loss of the man she once knew, even though Tom was still physically present. This ambiguous grief was hard to see because Tom was still alive, yet the person Sarah loved had essentially disappeared.
Inconclusive Grief – grief that doesn’t have an object, such as when someone goes missing or disappears from your life without giving you any closure.
An example of inconclusive grief: Mark's brother, Alex, went missing during a hiking trip. Despite extensive search efforts, no trace of Alex was ever found. Mark struggled with inconclusive grief, constantly vacillating between hope that Alex might still be alive and despair over the possibility that he wasn't. Without a body to confirm Alex's fate, Mark found it difficult to fully grieve and move on.
Complicated Grief – when painful emotions of loss don’t improve with time and are so severe that you have trouble resuming and/or creating your life (now called prolonged grief, extended from 6 month mark to 1 year)
An example of complicated grief: After losing her spouse in a car accident, Lisa found herself unable to move forward even after a year had passed. Her intense pain and longing for her spouse persisted, preventing her from engaging in daily activities, maintaining relationships, or finding joy in life. Lisa's grief was so severe and persistent that it became complicated grief, interfering with her ability to resume and create a fulfilling life.
Collective and Public Grief – when we grieve as a group, usually due to something like a terrorist attack, natural disaster, or even the death of a beloved public figure.
An example of collective grief: When Princess Diana died, millions of her fans around the world collectively mourned the loss. Vigils, memorials, and media tributes became common as people come together to share their sorrow and celebrate the individual's impact on their lives. This collective and public grief unites people in their shared loss and remembrance.
Traumatic Grief – combines trauma with bereavement or grief responses.
An example of traumatic grief: Emily witnessed her best friend die in a violent incident. The trauma of the event, combined with the grief of losing her friend, left Emily with intense emotional scars. She experienced nightmares, flashbacks, and severe anxiety, struggling to process both the trauma and the loss. This traumatic grief intertwined her bereavement with trauma responses, complicating her healing process.
Masked Grief – grief that is presenting another way (anger, anxiety).
An example of masked grief: After his father's death, David began experiencing frequent bouts of anger and anxiety. He snapped at coworkers and had trouble sleeping, but he didn't recognize these symptoms as expressions of his grief. Instead, he thought he was just stressed from work. It wasn't until a friend pointed out the timing of these changes that David realized his grief was manifesting in ways he hadn't anticipated.
Anticipatory Grief – grief that comes before death.
An example of anticipatory grief: Maria's mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and doctors gave her only a few months to live. As Maria cared for her mother during her final days, she began to grieve the impending loss even before her mother passed away. This anticipatory grief allowed Maria to begin processing her emotions and saying goodbye, though it didn't lessen the pain when the actual death occurred.
Cumulative Grief – when someone experiences multiple losses during a short period and or unattended grief that builds up.
An example of cumulative grief: In the span of six months, James lost his job, went through a divorce, and his father passed away. Each loss compounded the previous ones, leaving James feeling overwhelmed and unable to properly process his grief for any single event. The cumulative effect of these multiple losses in a short period made it difficult for him to cope and recover.
Secondary Loss – the other losses that accompany grief in addition to the primary emotional response.
An example of secondary loss: After the death of her husband, Susan not only grieved his absence but also experienced secondary losses such as the loss of financial stability, the loss of her social life, and the loss of future dreams they had planned together. These secondary losses added layers to her grief, making it more complex and challenging to navigate.
We also talked about TikTok in this episode, the way that viral songs can skyrocket creators like #girloncouch to fame (she got a record deal), and how relieved Tracy and I are that our embarrassing teens and twenties were captured on disposable cameras and not the world wide web.
We’d love to hear your grief stories. Does anything from this week’s episode resonate with you? Do you see yourself in these grief types?
Want to share your grief stories? We’d love to hear from you
Message us here or at keepgriefweird@gmail.com, and tag us on Instagram @keepgriefweird and use our hashtag- #keepgriefweird to share your weird griefy things!
Share this post